Lovers and Friendships

Tonight I was playing on Pinterest to distract myself from the very painful Laker game I was watching. I started a new board I titled Lovers, that I later renamed Oh L’Amour because I’m romantic like that. Anyway, I began pinning love themed quotes and various pictures depicting love, passion and lovers. It got me thinking of some great advice I’d like to pass on: be wise about lovers and friendships.

Be Wise About Lovers and Friendships, is chapter 36 in a book I adore called, If the Buddha Got Stuck: A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path, by Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D. In this chapter she discusses the importance of mutuality and flow in relationships. She explains, “Sometimes friendships are instantaneous, similar to falling in love, we meet a kindred spirit and feel a strong liking that continues for years. Sometimes those instantaneous feelings can mislead us. Other times, friendships evolve over time…” Her basic advice is that one should seek people who are reliable, responsive, and interested in knowing you and supporting your best self. She reminds the reader that you too should be same for the other person. Seems like common sense right?

Actually, it’s easier said than done. Believe me, I know this from personal experience, as does the good doctor. She cautions, “It is important to be aware of self-deception. Making excuses about someone’s behavior and hoping he or she will change signals that you are not living in current time. You need to bring yourself into reality and ask yourself, ‘What’s true right now about this person?’ If you find yourself rationalizing about a relationship, stop and explore your underlying feelings.” Kasl gives some common rationalizations people use to avoid honesty in a relationship. Remember, truth is the starting point for affection, connection, and love.

  • She has a cold exterior but I know deep down she has the potential for loving.
  • I feel sorry for her, she really needs my help.
  • He’s had a hard life.
  • I’ll be taken care of if we’re together.
  • She has so much potential.
  • We’re soul mates.
  • You can’t just walk away from people.
  • The sex was so magical
  • I’m not perfect either.
  • I don’t know what I’d do alone.
  • He doesn’t hit me.
  • It’s not so bad.

I will be the first to admit that I have used more than three of those examples! How many have you used? How many are you using now?

To stay in reality, Kasl recommends asking yourself, “What’s true today? Notice mushy sentimental feelings of wanting to be the rescuing angel. This is not a good basis for a relationship, and rescuers usually find themselves being left eventually.” Damn. She got that right. Sometimes they get left and their shit gets stolen too. Just saying. Sorry. Moving on.

She goes on to say that no one wants to feel indebted to another forever. Avoid deluding yourself by thinking that if you are kind enough, sweet enough, good enough or smart enough you can change another person. In other words, a weasel is a weasel, and your generosity, love and light isn’t going to change them. TRUST.

To Quote the Sufi poet Hafiz,

We have not come here to take prisoners,
but to surrender ever more deeply to freedom and joy…
Run my dear,
from anything
that may not strengthen
Your precious budding wings…

For we have not come here to take prisoners
Or to confine our wondrous spirits
But to experience ever and ever more deeply
Our divine courage, freedom, and Light!

Goodluck lovers. xo Dre


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