Forgiveness Part Deux

I apologize for the late delivery of this two-part blog post from February. I’ve been having quite a bit of resistance writing the follow-up post to A Prayer For Forgiveness. I think I kept putting it off because I imagined after 30 days of praying for this person, I would feel a calm settle in my heart like a warm peaceful embrace that would wrap around me like a soft cashmere blanket. I planned on being miraculously healed and I guess that was the post I was willing to write. My experiment in praying for a person whom I resent for many reasons including an unpaid debt has been an enlightening one.  At the end of 30 days, did I actually find it in my heart to forgive this person? Um…. Sort of…

I prayed for D.B. (Dirt Bag) daily for 30 days like I said I would. Sometimes twice a day or more. Anytime something reminded me of D.B. or an ill feeling came up as it often does, I would say my prayer, “Dear God, Please bless D.B. today…” Long story short: I am still at it. Weeks into the experiment, the prayer evolved too. It has become “D.B., I forgive you and I release you to the Holy Spirit.”  The practice of praying for someone who’s memory makes me throw up a little in my mouth brought me a new level of understanding. I found that the more I prayed for D.B. the easier it was to harvest good feelings toward this person. As the days and weeks went by my prayer became more genuine too.

I put forgiveness as a focus in my world and the universe supported my efforts. During this time, synchronistically, I caught a 2-hour life class Oprah hosted solely on the topic of forgiveness featuring world-class spiritual masters giving advice on letting go. One of them described resentment and unforgiveness as taking poison but expecting the other person to die. This had a powerful effect on me and I watched that show twice to ensure I heard all the messages of forgiveness thoroughly. Forgiveness does not mean you have to accept the person back into your life.  It doesn’t mean you are condoning what they did to you, or that you are in anyway saying its ok.   Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. So you don’t hold on to wishing that the experience were different.  You let that go and you move forward with the grace that God has given you, from this day on.

My quest to forgive D.B. forced me to examine my malevolent heart.  I found the list of people whom I hold grudges and resentment towards is much longer than I wished to admit. If I am to pray for and forgive D.B. , then I must do the same for B.B. (Backstabbing Bitch), C.B. (Crazy Bitch), F.B. (Fucking Bitch), and P.O.S. (Piece of Shit) too. According to the masters, if I don’t, I am only hurting myself. In the spirit of self-preservation, I soldier on…

During this time of trying to hone my forgiveness abilities I read two books: Forgiveness, The Greatest Healer of All, by Gerald G. Jampolsky, and A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. The insights gained from these books are too many to name here, but what I will say is that I emerge from this experiment of clemency with a sense of gratitude that I couldn’t connect to before. I knew that D.B. left me with many lessons, but I couldn’t truly be grateful for them because they were so painful to learn. No, I am not grateful I was used, mistreated, betrayed, etc. I am grateful 1) I survived. 2) I discovered strength I didn’t know I had 3) I’m much more wise because of the whole D.B. situation and I will NEVER be that girl again… 4) I’m grateful for the amazing circle of friends and family who have shown me endless support, love and devotion. I don’t think I knew they had my back like that until I went through what I went through…

Praying for D.B. and the others is working like a healing balm on my heart. My anger has
dissipated. It isn’t gone, but it’s not as close to the surface as it was before the experiment. Also, I am able to own and admit my part in each situation. In addition, I am able to see how part of the reason I stay focused on my heartache and story of how much I hate D.B. is because I’m sort of addicted to the story. Through the prayer for forgiveness experiment,  I am now able to see this clearly.

At this point, I’ve learned that forgiveness is a decision to focus on the lesson, grow and do better because of the experience, and move on.

I can honestly say that through this new insight, D.B. is becoming more of a distant thought for me than before. If I think about the situation I can still quickly become enraged and slip into my self-deprecating downward spiral, therefore I consciously make the decision to not even go there. I am awake and aware of where my thoughts go, who I’m surrounding myself with, and what stories I’m telling myself and others.

Resentment closes your heart and blocks love from coming into your life. Its toxic and turns into illness in the body like ulcers and various diseases, including cancer. In this sense, resentment can literally kill you.

Forgiveness isn’t weakness, its strength. Mark Twain beautifully said, “Forgiveness is the fragrance a violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.“ I strive for this…

For now, D.B. continues to be in my prayers, as do the others.  They will remain there until my heart is healed and I no longer have a desire to rip their faces off. 🙂


9 thoughts on “Forgiveness Part Deux

  1. Great topic to cover Dre!!!
    Forgiveness is a process that leads to maturation. A process of 3 steps: asking for forgiveness for any wrong you have done, forgiving yourself for the mistakes you made, and then forgiving those who have wronged you. The 1st two are critical if you wish to proceed to forgive someone. Reason being is you must transform your mindset in order to be able to: “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he” Proverb 23:7. You have to dig deep to rid yourself of bitterness or resentment. Deal with what shaped your life. Its hard to really look in the mirror, because only you and God know your dirty secrets. When yo wash yourself of that, then the healing begins in your heart. When your heart is healed, forgiving is possible.

    For me the lesson of forgiveness that I continually return to is Jesus. He taught forgiveness while in prayer: “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:25
    He also taught the ultimate act of forgiveness: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34. He did this while hanging on a cross he forgave those who betrayed him, falsely accused him, ridiculed him, and put him to death.

  2. thank you for the post. I had a “DB” that I needed to forgive so that I could move on with my life. Your initial encouraged me to start my own daily prayer. Through the process, like you found, I expanded the circle. While these relationships haven’t changed on the surface (and I love the part about “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different” – how true), I am so much more at peace. My heart is a less toxic place, and I am more open & available to the right people/opportunities that are now coming into my life. Thank you again, N

    • Yay!! I’m so happy to hear that Nan! I continue to pray daily and like magic, I really do feel better 🙂 Everyday I feel more distance from D.B. and I do think it is because I’ve been praying… I wish you peace and continued healing. Thanks also for reading my blog. Love and Light, Dre

  3. Pingback: A prayer for forgiveness… | projectdrela

  4. (wanted to add) Besides a “DB”, I had some other toxic relationships; notably with my boss. So, I “prayed” daily. Right after I commented on your post, several job opportunities appeared out of nowhere. I have since moved to another state for a great job. the entire process was like a strong wave coming ashore – it happened so quickly and fell into place so seamlessly – it was as if I didn’t make a choice, it just happened (I fully take responsibility for my choices; – just explaining the ease of it all).
    I do not know, nor can I account for, all the goodness that came my way in these past months in my professional life. I do believe that releasing the toxic resentment with my prior boss certainly helped me move beyond the experience of working for her.

    • Hi Nan, Wow! That is so inspiring and wonderful to hear! I totally agree with you. I think that holding on to resentment blocks any blessings that would otherwise come into you life, but when you do the work, you make room for change and good things happen. Best wishes to you in you new job and new home and everything going on with you! xo Andrea
      P.S. I was working on forgiving a boss too. She would be B.B. (backstabbing bitch) lol It’s a hard one! 🙂

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