“Eternity is in love with the creation of time”~ William Blake.
I’m a time fighter, a time waster, and a timekeeper. This time of year has me thinking a lot about time. It comes up for me as the year winds down and a fresh New Year is on the horizon. 12 months, 56 weeks, and 4 seasons that I have yet to walk in. 356 days that are still untainted by my own vandalism. As I write these words I have to be honest. Its hard for me to see the New Year in this light because I know that 2012 is not promised to me or to any one I love. Why think about days I may never see? It’s useless and only serves to take me out of the present moment, which is where I want live. The only thing that matters… The now.
The same philosophy applies to looking back at 2011. Looking back really doesn’t serve me either and definitely takes me out of the now. Not looking back is always a challenge for me though. I am so attached to memories and moments and people that were there but aren’t any more… Not to mention the clothes I wore, the size I was, money I spent, the fun I had, and the ever-changing color of my hair. Then I get into longing and wishing for do-overs and start telling myself stories about why, and what if’s… Its totally useless, but I’m just gonna put this out there- if anyone ever gets the hook up for DeLorean DMC-12 back to the future time machine- hit me up.
The end of the year has many people reviewing the highlights of 2011. How many Christmas letters did you get this year from loved ones reviewing their year? I just mailed my Christmas cards out today, totally late, but if I had written a letter to accompany them, I’d probably still be writing it! Now that I’m doing my best to walk in the truth, I tend to scrutinize the letters I do receive; wishing people would just be true. Not only would it make us all feel better they’d be much more entertaining. We’d get letters saying things like “Sally’s doing great in continuation school. We had to put her there after the whole abortion fiasco…” If I wrote one, it would go something like:
Dear Friends and Family,
Happy Holidays! I’m great! I spent most of the year living in Hollywood, but pretending to live in Long Beach. It was fun. Since I’ve been home its just same old same old over here. Just getting high and drinking excessively with various friends. I took a long break from my mother so that helped. This year was pretty traumatizing. I had an unexpected visitor named Cancer, you may know him. I’d heard of him but never thought he would come so close and stay so long. He sucked. On the bright side, my favorite family member was declared cancer free in Oct after 6 months of horrific poisonous treatments. Sigh. Good times. This year I also experienced a very thorough and complete heartbreak. It was excruciating. On the bright side, I also broke open and am told that I’m piecing together beautifully. Mom and Dad are well, but thankfully I’ve pawned them off on my sister so I don’t see them as often. Career wise I’m good. I was being harassed by a fat, ugly, jealous bitch at work. Again. I quit that bitch and have never been happier. Considering a move to PR. I’ll keep you posted. I’ve been taking a writing class. I love it. I’m back in Long Beach with Gene and the dogs. Gene is still awesome and I still don’t deserve him. I miss LA. I miss a lot of things, but working through it daily… There, now you’re all caught up!
Happy New Year,
P.S. Do I look like someone who puts knit cozy covers on my appliances or tissue boxes? Didn’t think so. For Christmas this year, please refrain from giving me any hand made gifts out of yarn, ok? Cash, a Nordstrom gift card, or nothing. Thanks. Besos.
I hope you enjoyed that Christmas letter as much as I enjoyed writing it! For the record it’s totally fiction and the REAL Christmas letter that tells of my many triumphs, my perfect home life, and cute new trick my dog is doing is coming soon!