I apologize for the late delivery of this two-part blog post from February. I’ve been having quite a bit of resistance writing the follow-up post to A Prayer For Forgiveness. I think I kept putting it off because I imagined after 30 days of praying for this person, I would feel a calm settle in my heart like a warm peaceful embrace that would wrap around me like a soft cashmere blanket. I planned on being miraculously healed and I guess that was the post I was willing to write. My experiment in praying for a person whom I resent for many reasons including an unpaid debt has been an enlightening one. At the end of 30 days, did I actually find it in my heart to forgive this person? Um…. Sort of…
I prayed for D.B. (Dirt Bag) daily for 30 days like I said I would. Sometimes twice a day or more. Anytime something reminded me of D.B. or an ill feeling came up as it often does, I would say my prayer, “Dear God, Please bless D.B. today…” Long story short: I am still at it. Weeks into the experiment, the prayer evolved too. It has become “D.B., I forgive you and I release you to the Holy Spirit.” The practice of praying for someone who’s memory makes me throw up a little in my mouth brought me a new level of understanding. I found that the more I prayed for D.B. the easier it was to harvest good feelings toward this person. As the days and weeks went by my prayer became more genuine too.
I put forgiveness as a focus in my world and the universe supported my efforts. During this time, synchronistically, I caught a 2-hour life class Oprah hosted solely on the topic of forgiveness featuring world-class spiritual masters giving advice on letting go. One of them described resentment and unforgiveness as taking poison but expecting the other person to die. This had a powerful effect on me and I watched that show twice to ensure I heard all the messages of forgiveness thoroughly. Forgiveness does not mean you have to accept the person back into your life. It doesn’t mean you are condoning what they did to you, or that you are in anyway saying its ok. Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. So you don’t hold on to wishing that the experience were different. You let that go and you move forward with the grace that God has given you, from this day on.
My quest to forgive D.B. forced me to examine my malevolent heart. I found the list of people whom I hold grudges and resentment towards is much longer than I wished to admit. If I am to pray for and forgive D.B. , then I must do the same for B.B. (Backstabbing Bitch), C.B. (Crazy Bitch), F.B. (Fucking Bitch), and P.O.S. (Piece of Shit) too. According to the masters, if I don’t, I am only hurting myself. In the spirit of self-preservation, I soldier on…
During this time of trying to hone my forgiveness abilities I read two books: Forgiveness, The Greatest Healer of All, by Gerald G. Jampolsky, and A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. The insights gained from these books are too many to name here, but what I will say is that I emerge from this experiment of clemency with a sense of gratitude that I couldn’t connect to before. I knew that D.B. left me with many lessons, but I couldn’t truly be grateful for them because they were so painful to learn. No, I am not grateful I was used, mistreated, betrayed, etc. I am grateful 1) I survived. 2) I discovered strength I didn’t know I had 3) I’m much more wise because of the whole D.B. situation and I will NEVER be that girl again… 4) I’m grateful for the amazing circle of friends and family who have shown me endless support, love and devotion. I don’t think I knew they had my back like that until I went through what I went through…
Praying for D.B. and the others is working like a healing balm on my heart. My anger has 
dissipated. It isn’t gone, but it’s not as close to the surface as it was before the experiment. Also, I am able to own and admit my part in each situation. In addition, I am able to see how part of the reason I stay focused on my heartache and story of how much I hate D.B. is because I’m sort of addicted to the story. Through the prayer for forgiveness experiment, I am now able to see this clearly.
At this point, I’ve learned that forgiveness is a decision to focus on the lesson, grow and do better because of the experience, and move on.
I can honestly say that through this new insight, D.B. is becoming more of a distant thought for me than before. If I think about the situation I can still quickly become enraged and slip into my self-deprecating downward spiral, therefore I consciously make the decision to not even go there. I am awake and aware of where my thoughts go, who I’m surrounding myself with, and what stories I’m telling myself and others.
Resentment closes your heart and blocks love from coming into your life. Its toxic and turns into illness in the body like ulcers and various diseases, including cancer. In this sense, resentment can literally kill you.
Forgiveness isn’t weakness, its strength. Mark Twain beautifully said, “Forgiveness is the fragrance a violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.“ I strive for this…
For now, D.B. continues to be in my prayers, as do the others. They will remain there until my heart is healed and I no longer have a desire to rip their faces off. 
